Smut

If you so happen to be my parents, I won’t blame you if you stop reading right here. You’ve done your part keeping up so far, but don’t feel compelled to go further. You can. You just might not want to. If you are not, in fact, my parents, please double check just to make sure.

Life is a never-ending chain of moments. Brief tableaux in an eternal strand of memories. If you look at it from afar, it’s beautiful. This ever-expanding line of experiences that made you who you are. The trick is to make sure you never look at it up close.

Cause those memories aren’t so nice individually.

Scene one in this chain is already hard to look at. Our ‘hero’, nine-year-old me is looking up ‘naked ladies’ on a laptop in the living room. Now, I was nine. I didn’t have a single clue what people do with pornography. All I knew was that nobody wanted me to find out what a naked woman looked like.

Now, I get you can’t just show a kid full on smut, but you can’t hide stuff from him either. He’ll just want to know a thousand times more, and the older he gets, the more desperate and creative he’ll become.

Alas, that day was not the day I saw the secrets of the fairer sex. Safe Search foiled my plans, redirecting my young eyes to movie posters and women in bikinis. Gross.

The end. I never tried again. Wouldn’t that be a lovely way for this story to end? I wish.

No, I wanted to know, and the older I got, the harder I started to try. There’s no such thing as stopping a teenage boy from looking at porn. When a barrier is erected (ha, get it?) separating a pubescent guy and digital jiggly bits, the hormonal maelstrom wreaking havoc in his mind stops. It calms down, and it dedicates every bit of power it has to helping him surpass this obstacle.

Until then, I was left with nothing but childish hopes. My adolescent energy was still gathering within me, and I had neither the intellect to thrive, nor the libido to stand in for it. Worst of all, I had a program on my computer. One of the many porn blockers you can purchase. At the time, that was a stale mate. I was already having school trouble at the time, so I wasn’t too eager to add ‘looked at some spicy nips’ to my list of transgressions.

At the age of thirteen, two big things came into my life. An unstoppable hurricane of insatiable hormones, and the Nintendo 3DS.

Kid friendly my ass. That thing was a temptress and I was all too eager to be tempted. But who can fault my parents for letting that one slip through? How could a Nintendo game console be the small crack that releases a kid into the wild and horrifying world of internet pornography?

Well this bad boy had a web browser. It couldn’t load videos, it didn’t have flash player and I didn’t know what a gif was. Now, if you’ve never been a teenage boy before you might be thinking; ‘Who in the fuck would sit around looking at static images of nasty vagoober on a tiny 400p screen?’

That would be me.

I miss the feeling of Christmas. Being excited for a whole month just for one day. That magical feeling that would last all December. Or being excited for birthdays. Sadly, as you grow older, life isn’t so exciting. You get used to it. After eighteen birthdays and Christmases, you get used to them. It’s exciting, but nothing comes close to how I felt as a kid.

That’s what it feels like to see some piping hot nippies at the ripe old age of thirteen. Nothing better. Even though I’ve completely desensitized myself in a very irresponsible way, if I was thrown back to thirteen years old the first thing I would do is look at an internet titty, just to get that rush.

It’s when you move past the chest that things go wrong. A modern day Icarus, I was so inspired by this early elation and I flew too high.

It was time to take a peek at the proverbial ‘vagoober’.

This decision was a gigantic mistake.

Safe Search was not on, and I kicked off of the highest diving board into a cesspool of what the fuck? Immediately, I was met with a faceless Eldritch horror. A living landscape. A terrifying, absurd, canyon, cradling a grotesque fleshy void at the depth of its gorge. Now, I could have gotten over this if it were just a spooky image. But no, it was… That was…

I was supposed to put my dick in that?

Fuck, dude! Like, I get why my parents didn’t want me looking at porn, it didn’t work out too well, but why not warn a kid? Come on! You know what it’s like to spend half your life thinking a vagina is just a slightly bigger bellybutton just to find out it’s some abyssal meat void straight out of my worst nightmares? Legit, that was not fun. Took me another two months to look at smut again after seeing that shit.

What I would recommend is a guide book. An ‘intro to pornography’ for every young male. Not that I recommend getting every guy addicted to porn, I’d say that’s probably not a great idea. But if he has an internet connection and an ounce of testosterone in his body, he’s at least going to take a dip. At least one toe is going in that dirty public pool full of fun sacks and wieners. Why not make sure he’s taking a dip in the shallow end? Shit gets out of hand fast.

You see, porn’s already unrealistic. The women are more attractive than anyone you’ll ever meet, and the dudes aren’t there for the most part and they can only say ‘Fuck!’. Anything you could ever want is at your fingertips. Category upon category of weird fetishes you didn’t even know existed. Some that you probably wish you never learned about.

Like feet? They’ve got that. Like any certain ethnicity? It’s all there. Really gay? Yep, you’re good to go. Like watching small animals get stepped on by hot babes? Why though? Seriously, please explain it to me, what the fuck, man?  Why does that exist? Like, dude.

But what if you could have more than that? More than the most? You see, ideal women, as perfect as they may be, are bound to reality. Say you want to see a chick whose boobies are over half her body mass. Say you want to see a ‘’’chick’’’ with a gargantuan twelve-foot donger. Say you want to have your youthful innocence stripped from you cruelly by images so unnecessarily graphic you’ll forget you started down this road just looking for a bulbous booby.

It exists. And to find it, you just have to remove a dimension. Downgrade your 3D babes to 2D babes. Flawless, perfectly proportioned, alien, blue, albino, half cow, whatever the fuck you want, two dimensional babes. The tag line is a lot better than what you’re going to get.

Thing is, the dudes who dedicate their lives to drawing. The guys who get really good at it over years and years of dedication, all to draw smut. Well, by the time they’re skilled enough to get paid for it, they’re fucked up. They’re drawing stuff that no growing boy should see. They’re drawing ‘PIG‘.

So, right now you’re either thinking ‘What the hell is ‘PIG?’, or you’re audibly sighing, murmuring ‘Shindo L’.

PIG is some drawn up pornography by a guy who goes by ‘Shindo L’. He’s a dude who draws real good. If I could, I’d throw a couple 100 emojis and those little fire ones in that sentence. So, when I saw the cover of ‘PIG’, I thought ‘woah, who the hell is this delightful semen-demon?’.

General rule of thumb. The better quality the drawing, the weirder the shit you’re about to see. If it features characters from a well known franchise, hoo fucking boy get the hell out of there! Back out!

This was a double whammy. Drawn right at that ‘hnng’ point. It was Link from the Legend of Zelda series, but female and with some massive honkers. I should have known better. Once again, Nintendo had baited me into an entirely unpleasant experience.

Now, as I mentioned, this man can draw. His narratives, on the other hand, are sins against mankind.

I’m not going to describe the whole thing because I’m uncomfortable enough just admitting that I’ve read it. Suffice it to say, by page one it’s no longer being read for pleasure. The list of nasty shit I’ve finished out of morbid curiosity is long and disturbing, but this was probably the worst, if only due to the innocence I still had when I read it (can I get that back, please?). But I had to press on. I started the journey and I could either see it through to the end or back out like a pussy who’s afraid of a couple of drawings.

I can no longer deny it. I am definitely a pussy who is afraid of a couple of drawings. You’d think the story ends when a giant pig man crushes our heroine’s skull after a bunch of events that I don’t want to describe, and you don’t want to read, but the story really ended with me crying in the shower.

All you feel is hurt, but you don’t even know who to direct it at. Why would someone spend weeks drawing that? Why would someone publish that? Why would I read the entire thing?

Fucking Shindo L.

That was another couple months vacation from porn, but the good times never last. One day, you get an urge and you lower yourself back down into the degenerate well. The average re-entry to the porn-o-verse goes like this. Vanilla, a little less vanilla, some fetishy shit, some gay shit, wait I’m not gay stop looking at that gay shit, kind of weird, kind of weirder, and then our final category; ‘if anyone saw me looking at this I might just blow my brains out’.

But you’re still searching for something else. You can look at pictures on your 3DS all day, but then you’ll need to go further. You’ll make your way to videos. Step back to written erotica. Video game mods. Weird ugly flash games from 2012. You name it, it’s been done.

That’s the problem with porn. Nothing will ever be enough. Mankind will forever strive for the Ultimate Nut. The best nut you possibly ever bust. We’re chasing a dream. As technology advances, and shit gets weirder and weirder, nuts will get better and better. You can never have as pleasing of a nut as a guy one-hundred-years from now will have. We just don’t have the technology.

Therein lies the conundrum of man. Are we an analogy for the squirrel from Ice Age, or him us? Hunting our whole lives for a nut we’ll never get.

Remember that news story about the guy who died wanking? Forty-two times in one sitting. All on the hunt for the perfect climax. Eventually you learn that life won’t do you like that. It taketh away, but it does not giveth. Upon busting that final nut that will sweep us off into the void, life will gaze at you with it’s cold, uncaring eyes.

And it’ll be the worst nut you’ll ever bust.

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