Valentine’s Day

Relationships Header Final question markCupid, hearts, love letters, Valentine’s day has it all. At face value, it seems like a perfect holiday, right? It’s just missing one crucial thing; anything remotely pleasant.

I’m going to be frank, Valentine’s day can suck a shit. As a bitter dude who has never celebrated it with a significant other, that is my unbiased opinion. The worst part is that you can’t even simmer in bitterness alone. There are always a bunch of even bitter-er shit heads trying to one up each other on how sad and lonely they are.

If you’re the type of person who feels the need to big dick everyone else by giving your boyfriend his Valentine’s day blowjob in front of the whole world, fuck you. On the flip side, if you’re one of those sad sacks posting stupid shit on Facebook about ‘Single’s Awareness Day’, I’d suggest that you should eat a big bag of nasty wangs.

As far as the first group goes, could you please be in love quietly? Do you really need to announce it on every single social media platform known to man? Can’t you just send a text? And if it absolutely has to be public, can you at least tone down the lovey dovey bull shit? Lay off with the ‘Happy Valentines to my little Angelina-fina, the dommy mommy of my dreams heart emoji eggplant emoji water emoji’. Calm the fuck down dude, we get the point.

And to you ‘Single’s Awareness’ folks, can I just ask why you think this is worth celebrating? Why would you want the participation award of dating? It takes literally no effort to be single. Hell, I actively try not to be single and I still am. Shit’s mad easy.

Despite my disdain for Valentine’s day, I wanted to find a date for this year. Just to know what it’s like. Get my V-Day BJ, you know? With three days left, I think it’s safe to say I have failed. Only way I’m getting blown on the 14th is if I get a rib removed. I’d do it if my insurance would pay for it, but I don’t think autofellatio is covered.

Issue with finding a date when you pretty much can’t talk to women is that you pretty much can’t talk to women. I can’t fucking do it. I don’t why. If a cute cashier hands me my change, I’ll just nod enthusiastically at everything she says. A joke, a greeting, a series of racial slurs, I’ll bob my head like it’s the most interesting thing I’ve ever heard. Then I’ll take my change and get the fuck out of there ASAP.

Had a great conversation with this old ass cashier the other day, which was great social practice. Only problem is, I didn’t want to fuck her. And like, what’s the point of talking to someone you don’t want to fuck? And before you get smart with some ‘Oh yeah, what about your cousin?’ shit, let me stop you. I was born in Texas. I may have spent my whole life elsewhere, but I was born there, and Redneck runs in my blood. I’d fuck the shit out of my cousin.

So, my complete inability to flirt in the real world led me to the realm of internet dating. It’s an interesting trade. I get more time to think, but I also suck the fattest of dicks at texting, and while some dudes may have the looks to get away with ‘Hey… winky face’ texts, I do not.

In three months, I have gotten one date. This led to a passionate, four-day relationship that started with a message reading ‘I like cocks in my ass’. She was so enticed by the declaration that she had to respond.

Long story short; things were going well, I kissed her, she said ‘oh, you haven’t, uh, done that often, have you?’ and then I was single again.

Other than that, I have met no success. On the upside, I am excellent at getting ghosted. No joke, I was ghosted while I wrote this. It’s a skill. If you want someone to stop texting you, just let me talk to them for a bit. I promise you, they’ll be gone in seconds.

Also, what are these people doing being so damn happy? Holy shit, every person on these sites is ‘outgoing, energetic, cheery, just a ball of concentrated optimism’ etcetera. Where the fuck are my human girls at? Where are those bangin’ babes whose summaries are; ‘I hate everything, I never want to go outside again, let’s just watch Netflix and if I pretend to be dead it means you can fuck me’? I already know the answer to that. They’re all in relationships already because they’re perfect.

I was so desperate, I became the first person to ever pay for a dating app. Then I was too nervous to message the people that liked me anyways. To be fair, it’s a pretty good deal. Social anxiety in the comfort of my own home for just ten dollars? Sign me the fuck up, my dude!

Worst of all is when your brain realizes that you’re looking for romance and it hits you with one of those dope dreams where you’re deeply committed to the most fulfilling relationship you could ever possibly have and everything’s absolutely fantastic. Then you wake up and remember that you’re alone and you’re the nut your father never should have busted.

At this point, I don’t know what else there is to do. I’ve exhausted all avenues and thus far it still looks like I’ll be alone this year. I could always hire an escort to go on a date with me, but I’d have to drive pretty far out of Arlington to keep it from being a second date.

It all boils down to one thing, really. Romance is dead, and women are bitches, and we’re all going to die alone, and Single’s Awareness Day is a completely valid holiday respecting the romantically disabled in our society. Alternatively, one could come to the conclusion that the problem could be myself, rather than the three billion something women on the planet, but I think that’s a little farfetched.

On the other hand, I hope you all have a wonderful Valentine’s day, whether you’re celebrating by going way over the top to make other people feel bad, you’re a member of the salty lil’ bitch gang hoisting that ‘Singles Awareness Day’ (SAD) flag, or you’re going to politely stay quite and broil in the ongoing crisis that is your life like me. Nobody deserves to be sad on any day, holiday or not. Except for -political/religious group you disagree with-‘s, am I right?

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