2008 was a hell of a year. The housing market crashed, America got its first black president and a few things probably happened in the other countries that nobody gives a shit about, but most importantly, I was ripped from everything I ever knew.

Let me set the scene for you:

If you didn’t catch it before, it was 2008. I was 8 years old. My parents took me and my siblings to lunch at Noodles and Company, a company that sells noodles. I ordered the pesto, if you were interested in my pasta choice. My father had the macaroni and cheese, and some bad news. We were moving to Asia.

Okay, but man, I’m in 3rd grade. Why would you expect me to know what Asia is? I shouldn’t have asked. My little brain wasn’t ready for such bountiful knowledge at such a young age. The world already seemed big enough with two continents (The United States of America, and Mexico), how was I supposed to come to terms with three whole continents?

After finding out that Asia wasn’t a few blocks down the street from us, I was staunchly against the idea. Now, this is a perfect example of why Democracy sucks some thick dong. Under this absurd voting culture, the other four members of my family got what they wanted, but I didn’t get what I wanted. Fuck that.

Before I could blink a greater number of times than the amount of times I did, in fact blink between the announcement of our move and our actual move, we had moved. Asia. The big A, as I’m sure somebody calls it. Chiang Mai, Thailand, to be exact. Something of a sub-continent of Asia if I understood correctly. It had a chance to be good, but first impressions mean a lot.

Three days into our Chiang Mai life, I ate some of the nastiest pudding I had ever had. That was it. I was done. Leaving all of my two friends in America was one thing, but nasty, jelly pudding? That was one step too far!

So, I decided I was going to be mad. No matter how cushy things might get, I made a vow then and there that I was going to be outrageously pissed about everything. I would be pissed about the fact that we had a maid because it’s cheap as shit there, so we never had to clean anything ourselves. I would be pissed about the fact that our house had a bad ass wall around it with a huge gate at the front. I would be pissed that the primary language of Thailand was Thai and not English.

But the thing that pissed me off the most was school. I hadn’t loved it in America, and I absolutely hated it in Asia. This is one thing I still agree with myself on. School was pretty damn awful, but that was mostly because I was a humongous asshole. Funny thing with being a dick head to people is that it makes them think that they should be a dick head back. Kind of a dick head response, if I’m being honest.

Beyond that, my grades were awful. You see, when I first heard of procrastination, it sounded dope. I couldn’t think of a single reason to do anything until you absolutely had to. But then I realized that these so called ‘procrastinators’ were fucking idiots. They had the base formula down fine, but they were still doing so much more work than they needed to. Think about this;

What if you held off doing something until the last minute, and still didn’t do it? And just, you know, kept not doing it for the foreseeable future. After that, even. Just keep not doing it forever.

It was an undeniably fantastic strategy, but it did have its weaknesses. On the upside, I never had to do any work ever. On the downside, I was coming as close to failing classes as you could possibly get without actually failing the class.

As far as I was concerned, this was a good trade. My parents, on the other hand, were not incredibly thrilled.

I can still remember my father’s yell. Every quarter after report cards were sent out. First, Middle and Last name. The call of the Reaper.

It was the same thing every time. The Big Boy. The Classic. I was grounded. Not from friends, as that would have required me to have some in the first place. Rather, I was grounded from video games, which was pretty lame. Why couldn’t they punish me by taking away something I didn’t give a shit about?

However, during one of these hellish punishments I found salvation. I was angry, pissed, miffed, irked, and admittedly more than a little upset and I decided to be my usual dickhead self and give my classmates nicknames. Shit like ‘Buck Tooth’ and ‘Shorty’ and ‘Hey, That Girl’s Fucking Stupid, Look At That Stupid Dumb Girl’. Nothing too rude, but definitely a little derogatory. And I would just go around calling people this shit to their face.

This is where I found luck. These kids fucking loved it. I don’t know what it was about these stupid mean nicknames, but everybody wanted one. Kids would be coming up to me like ‘hey, call me an asshole’ and I’d call them an asshole and it was the greatest thing in the world to them. For two weeks, everyone would call that kid ‘Asshole’. All because I decreed it.

I still have no clue if this was a meta way of mocking me by letting me mock them in a subpar manner or what, but I was down with it. I finally had friends! Kind of!

And it was all because I was really pissed off that I couldn’t spend my entire day playing video games. I think I learned a really important lesson from that, but if I did I don’t remember it at all. As soon as my grounding was over, I went right back to wasting my whole life on the computer and failing all of my classes. Good shit (citation needed).

Failing school was even better in high school, because I found a way to get around being grounded. Haggling. Every time I would get a huge line of D’s on my report card, I would spend a day or two being grounded like I should. Then I would go to my father and I would tell him that I really, truly understood that I had fucked up real bad, and I was going to try super hard in the future to get all of my work done and pass all of my classes and just be a generally great student.

It never worked out that way, but my dad always believed me because he’s just a sweet man and he’s probably better than I ever deserved. Saddest thing is that I actually fooled myself as well, even though it ended the same way every time. So, he would let me use my computer a little bit as long as I got my homework done and I would work for a week before getting back to making no effort whatsoever to pass any of my classes.

Ninth grade was what finally pushed it over the limit. This time, my grades weren’t terrible. They were much worse. I had D’s in a few lucky classes and F’s in the rest. My teachers were sick of my shit, my parents were sick of my shit and I was pretty sick of my shit too.

A lot of stuff went down that year that wouldn’t really fit in this type of blog. Stress, depression, regular whiny teenager bullshit. You see, as soon as you think you might want to get into a comedy a genie pops out and asks you if you want to be depressed or a sex criminal. Obviously, I chose sex criminal, but he said I didn’t have the body for it.

Counselling, groundings, serious talks, more bullshit than you can shake a stick at and suddenly I was sitting at a table with my parents and every one of my teachers. They were casting a spell. Each one braking a link that bound me to the school by reciting a paragraph about what stupid shit I was doing to somehow fail their unbelievably easy class.

Before I knew it, the chain was broken. I was released from the schooling world and into the wild world of truancy.

Finally, I had everything I had ever wanted. I didn’t have to go to school, I could still see my friends because I lived a fifteen-minute walk away from the school, I was still auditing my favorite class. Things simply couldn’t have been better!

So, I played video games all day, did absolutely nothing with my life, and was quite miserable. Issue is, I couldn’t figure out why. No matter where I looked, I couldn’t find any pudding. There was nothing to be upset about.

That’s why I like social media so much. Sure, there are the outrageously happy people who post about every single thing in their gleeful existence, but it’s also a good place to find other sad sacks you can relate to. You don’t even need any common ground. You don’t need ‘You ever wake up with a massive head ache?’ to get sympathy. All you need to say is ‘You ever wake up?’

Every fucking day, my dude. It just keeps happening, it’s insane!

I continued to wake up every day for two more years as the world changed around me. My siblings moved away, and I learned that there were actually seven fucking continents, which is just way too many. Then things finally started looking up. My father’s job decided it was time to pull us back to America.

I had 6 more months in Thailand, and ironically those were the best six months of my time there. However, that didn’t change how excited I was to leave. Eight years was enough. I was ready for America. What more could I ask for? I was finally happy, I didn’t need schooling, I was on my way back to the U S of A which is something I had wanted from the moment we set foot in Thailand. Everything was coming up Sam.

And it was just as great as I expected it to be. We settled in fast, and I went and got myself a GED.

By the way, what the fuck are kids doing with high school? Getting a GED is so god damn easy. It was two years between when I dropped out of high school and when I took the GED, and the only studying I did was studying how to convince my parents that I was, in fact, studying. High school is for suckers. I saved three years of my life and all I sacrificed was any potential to go to a good college and any chance of ever making over $30,000 a year. Easy.

For a while, things were good. Then they weren’t. Noticing a theme here? But maybe if I got a job it would make me happier. Holy shit, it did! Until I was inevitably sad again. Don’t worry though, a trip back to Thailand to visit my friends would fix it. Believe it or not, that actually worked! For a little bit. It’s cool, cause moving to Texas to work with my sister would make me super happy and productive. Now this is going to blow your mind, it totally worked!

Then it didn’t.

I wouldn’t consider it running away from my problems, because I don’t have any. It’s running towards solutions. Anything that could make things better. Anything that could help me figure out how to appreciate what I’ve got going for me.

No matter how many places I go, or how many opportunities I squander, I always end up in the same place.

So now I wake up and play that ‘I Get Knocked Down’ song, but only the chorus because the rest of it isn’t really relevant to my predicament. I’m going to get into scrap booking so I can have something to talk to hot MILFs about. I’m going to work out so I can go back to that genie and trade the sad brain for Cosby pills.

As far as what I’m actually going to do, I have no fucking idea.


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