Thank You Maury Povich, And More!

So, I got out of a psych ward the other day, and I immediately wanted to go back in.

You see, psych wards are made to help you de-stress, but there is no worse way to do that than to take your phone away for a week. What the hell is going to be on there when you get out?

Well, for me it was my worst nightmare.

My amazon order for 5 pounds of m and ms was canceled.

And my ex girlfriend’s period was late.

I was mortified. I needed these m and ms. The period thing was fine, it happens, right? Sometimes it’s a day late, maybe even two. Hell, it could even be fifteen, right? Right?

So I called my old pediatrician and asked him for a quote on an abortion. Said he didn’t know. What the hell? How can I trust you to keep my kid alive if you don’t know what kills em? Say I come in with a kid with 60 bullets in his spine and ask ‘doc is he gonna make it?’

‘Well shit, I don’t know.’

These assholes can’t even cure a cold, I don’t trust them any farther than I can throw them (which is a bad analogy cause I’m a hunky muscle man and I could chuck those scrawny nerds across the continent).

Finally, I did what I probably should have started with and called her straight up to ask that oh so important question.

‘Sophie, are you… P… Perhaps interested in a buy one get one free pizza coupon? Mine’s going to expire and I’m not going to use it. But also, are you pregnant?’

And she said a word that would change my life forever.

She said yes.

And I bawled.

‘Sophie I know I don’t seem like the parenting type, but I’ll do it. Whatever kid shit needs to be done to keep our child happy, I’ll do it! I’ll feed it! I’ll… I don’t really know what else it needs other than that. Anything but changing its diapers. I don’t fuck with that, you’re basically touching baby genitals, it just seems way too close to pedophilia to me… But anything else you need, I’ll do it!’

And then she said a sentence that would un-change my life forever.

‘Oh my god, Sam,’ She sniffled. ‘That is so sweet, but I meant yes to the coupon. Thank god I’m not pregnant with your kid, Christ, could you imagine?’

I must admit, the thing we did that would have possibly created this baby didn’t feel anything close to as orgasmically amazing as hearing that sentence.


I recently dated a black woman, so any misconceptions that I might possibly be a racist can be thrown into the nearest garbage receptacle (like your mother, gottem). More importantly, I also had a token black friend. Or just token friend. He was the only one. His name was Marcus, and our meeting was the child of the whimsical fingers of fate.

I first saw him on Sophie and I’s third date. You know how people think third dates are for banging? Well, what if instead of banging, you decided to show your new boyfriend pictures of your old boyfriend and his new girlfriend, Destiny who you were incredibly jealous of. Because that’s just a thing you do. You show your new boyfriend your ex boyfriend, and you reminisce about how great that relationship was. He was the greatest. Even your family loved him. He was just perfect.

Why would you tell me this?

However, seeing Destiny shocked me.

She was a penis girl (girl with a wee wee) that I had previously attempted to flirt with on OkCupid, the same site where I met Sophie. Of course, I didn’t want to inform my girlfriend that I had flirted with the girl that her ex had decided was better than her, nor did I wish for her to know that I had tried to get with a penis girl, so I kept quiet. And there was no news of Destiny or Marcus (aside from Sophie talking about them non stop) for some time.

That is, until I saw Destiny. In person. I didn’t introduce myself cause, like, how the fuck do you explain that? But holy shit what a strange coincidence. And after walking past her with my sister, my sister said ‘that girl looks like she has a penis on the down low’. Lo and behold, she did.

Around this time, Sophie and I broke up, and it was back to OkCupid for me, but guess who I found. Within a day, I had swiped upon the profile of one ‘Marcus Whatever His Last Name Is’. I told him that I was Sophie’s ex as well, and we bonded as bros do over this strange fact.

Marcus blew my mind, not with what he did but with what he said. He bore important information, new additions to the official canon of the Sam Kientz universe.

Destiny did not have a penis. No penis at all. Not even one singular penis was to be found on that girl. She was just a girl who happened to look very very much like she had a penis. It was a little duplicitous if you ask me. You shouldn’t be allowed to look like you have a penis unless you do, in fact, have the gear. It’s like impersonating a police officer. Honestly, I’m still less than convinced, and believe there may be a secret penis she is hiding from the world. However, I have no current connection to Destiny, so I will never be able to ask her about the existence or non existence of her penis (that I’m quite sure exists).

But, Marcus moved, and I’m broken up with Sophie, so I currently have no proof that I’m not a racist. If anybody wants to be my token black friend, hit me up.






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